This is Sunny’s first time getting on an online dating site. Notice what I named the dating site. Go ahead, peek right now, I’ll wait.

Well, that never made it into the book. I must have been drinking my furniture polish. This is a no-spoiler read, btw.  

 

That night I sat at the computer in my home clothes, threadbare shorts with tiny blue bears, and an old gray T-shirt I’d cut the sleeves off. No plan in mind. Except studying seemed too much effort tonight. Hell, with the  Praxis exam date coming up soonish, and Esme blasting me with texts, telling me she crammed four hours daily, I was in denial. Overstudying burns out the brain I told myself as I took two deep breaths and clicked on the new CD mix. Burned especially for me by my good friend Isabel, whose priorities leaned more on the playful side than the study side.

Thunder cracked on the soundtrack as the home page splattered onto the screen. A couple of plastic kissy-face dolls with magnetic pursed lips sailed into focus.

                                             datebobandbarb.com

         Even though Isabel had given me a heads up about the site, I blinked. Bob and Barb? I chose the icon advertising a free week. That’s when the music, which had been building and rising, exploded in a crescendo of enthusiasm and celebration. It’s Raining Men.

         I scrunched over the keyboard, shoulder-twitching to the beat, read the header out loud, like one of my students.

 

datebobandbarb.com’s Brazen, Nosy Questionnaire for the Mature Man

Mature man? Hallelujah. I clicked.

 

 As far as favorite women’s body parts go, I would characterize myself as:

1. A leg man.
2. Breasts are my thing.
3. A nice tush turns me on.
4. Feet, feet, feet.
5. It’s all in the mind.

 

Yes, garter belts and stockings are:

1. Sexy, 50’s ish, and too seldom seen.
2. Exposing that fleshy part of a woman’s thigh—ick.
3. What is a garter belt?

 

I change my sheets:

1. Once a week.
2. Twice a month.
3. The maid does it.
4. My wife does it.

 

My car is:

1. An expression of my personality, my whole being, my favorite possession.
2. About a year old—I enjoy driving but don’t think about it.
3. Fifteen years old and still running.
4. A real mess—I need to vacuum it, wash it, and get rid of those old water bottles and women’s panties.
5. After that last DWI, I got my license suspended.

 

If I don’t want to see a woman again I usually:

1. Tell her straight out, honesty and all that.
2. Tell her let’s keep in touch as friends and mean it.
3. Tell her I’ll call her and then I don’t. I’m a chicken shit.

 

I scrolled down, skimmed the essay questions, income bracket, favorite outdoor activity, favorite indoor activity, favorite secret activity, and his most embarrassing moment. Enough fooling around in the men’s questionnaire.

    datebobandbarb.com’s Brazen, Nosy Questionnaire for the Mature Woman

 

As far as favorite men’s body parts go, I would characterize myself as:

1. A great butt is a great butt.
2. Chest along with chest hair.
3. Yes, I’m serious.
4. Need I spell it out?
5. A man is more than the sum of…well, you know the rest.

 

My favorite reads include:

1. Shere Hite: The Complete Works.
2. A newspaper, a good novel, and Vogue.
3. Strictly an Internet reader.
4. Computer magazines and house organs.
5. Self help books. Need all the help I can get.
6. Whatever my man reads, I read.

 

I change boyfriends:

1. Once a week.
2. Twice a month.
3. Once every six months, whether I need to or not.
4. The maid does it.
5. What boyfriends?

 

I like a guy with a big:

1. Bank account.
2. You know what.

 

If I had a no-strings one-nighter, it would be with:

1. Brad Pitt.
2. A Democrat.
3. A Republican.
4. My best friend’s husband.
5. My vibrator.

 

         The next screen advised me to compose a profile and add photos. Anything was better than boning up on on language acquisition for tomorrow’s exam. I started typing.

         This is new to me.

         This is new to me. I am…

         I am an energetic woman who has…

 

         Time to browse, crib ideas from those who knew more. I clicked on women’s profiles, skimmed, the music lifting me high above the computer.

 

dbb.hot tamale

Hot bod, hot to trot

56-year-old female, located in Hamden. I don’t know how to describe myself other than to say I am voluptuous. I’ve got an appetite that won’t quit if you know what I mean. Can you read between the lines? I’m NOT embarrassed to say what I want either. I’m looking for…

dbb.firey spirit

I want fireworks…do you have the match?

50-year-old female, located in NYC. My passions are music, flirting, and dancing, long drives out of the city in my Porsche, Manhattan nightlife. Beware, I’m a passionate woman who’s unafraid to express herself on the dance floor and in the bedroom. I wear…

 

dbb.Lucie09

What if it’s YOU?

53-year-old female, located in Southington, CT. Let’s be friends. Let’s be a couple. I want a relationship BASED ON ETERNAL LOVE. I have…

 

Enough. I glanced at the clock. My back felt like someone had bent me in half the wrong way. The 5:30 aerobics class was in ten minutes. But first I logged onto People’s Bank to check my balance, expecting Laurent to have transferred a few dollars to my account. I swallowed, that familiar ragged brick lodged in my chest. The total balance read $1,013.78.

Lethargy hit me. Slouching at the computer reading the life stories of strangers took my mind off the unkind reality of having very little money. Time to get down to the gritty profile stuff. First the description of self (slim-ish, brownish-blondish hair, social-ish drinker), plus all the multiple choice questions. I stood up and stretched. No children. Job? Well, that could be a problem. I leaned over, filled in graduate student. Onto the next category. Marital status. Divorced? I did not have a divorce. A technicality. Time to lie.

 

Photo by Jeshoots.com

 

 

 

datebobandbarb.com is not a real thing

Also the numbering is wonky. Please ignore it. I am.